Stuck Between a Rock and a Suitcase?

Monday, October 13, 2008

I am on day 10 of my 39 day trip and today was definitely the hardest. Last week I was in Denver, loving life. Today I am sitting in the San Francisco airport waiting to board my flight to Tai Pei… in 7 hours.

Enough about my boredom… let me tell you about my lastest debacle. Mark met me in Denver last Thursday and we spent the next 3 days driving through the mountains and spending the weekend in Aspen and Vail. It was the best way for newlyweds to spend time together before work keeps us apart. It was the perfect weekend until it was time to come home.

We left Vail at 10:00 AM Sunday morning. We had a 2:40 flight out of Denver, so leaving early gave us extra time to have lunch in downtown Denver before boarding our flight, unrushed. We leave the resort and head east on I-70 when traffic backs up 3 miles into our trip. Supposedly a tractor trailer wrecked further up the road and we were forced to turn around and take an alternate route. In short, we missed our flight. Twenty minutes before our flight left, we found ourselves 27 minutes from the airport. One more night in spent in Colorado.

Mark made a reservation at a hotel right next to the airport and wheeled into the parking lot as fast as he could. His team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, were playing the Denver Broncos and he wanted to catch the second half. I told him to go inside to watch the game and I would check us in and take our luggage up to the room. He turns off the car, shuts the door, tells me to come find him in the bar and runs inside. I am sitting in the car, gathering my things when my camera slips between the seat and the console. From the passenger seat, I take my left arm, and try to reach for my camera but my 50 pound suitcase is in the way. I push it back against the seat with both hands and slip my left arm under the seat when it falls back down on my shoulder. Since I have a heavy coat on I find myself restricted and don’t have enough strength to push it away. I struggle and struggle and soon manage to wedge the suitcase between the two seats, trapping my arm in the process. I’m stuck.

3:21
I can see my cell phone sticking out of my purse from the driver’s seat but I can’t reach it. I try to bring my legs up from the floorboard but the dashboard is so big or my legs are too long. It is impossible.

3:30
Let’s see; the game started at 2:00. It is 3:30 now so half time has probably started. That would end at 3:50, then two more quarters to play so I should schedule my rescue around 5:30-ish. Hmmmm.

3:42
Damn. It’s cold.

3:55
WHERE IS MY DAMN HUSBAND? I sure know how to pick em’. After all I have done in life this is how it is going to end? I am going to see my life slowly slip away in an frozen SUV/deathtrap all because my husband is a sports nut? I should have added “I promise to never leave my wife in a freezing cold car” to my wedding vows. Fucker!

4:11
I wish the car had a sunroof.

4:25
I can’t believe my suitcase would do this to me. After all we have been through. I remember the day I bought her. All bright and purple sitting by herself at the store. She goes everywhere with me and I always defend her when the airport employees say she is overweight! And this is how she repays me? Bitch.

4:44
I hear the door locks click and look up at the driver’s side window and see a sheer look of terror on Mark’s face. The scared look made it hard for me to hold a grudge over his (lack of) actions of the last 85 minutes. He rips the door open so fast I can feel the tires bump up against the curb. “JANA!” He struggles to understand what has happened….

Slowly he gets it…

And the laughing begins….

And doesn’t stop….

Make that 89 minutes of my life trapped under a suitcase.

Nothing a Little Vodka Won’t Fix

 

Monday, September 29, 2008             

 

As most of you know, I started a new job and I HATE IT! It is my own fault really, I never should have accepted a job that I have no interest in, have vowed to lie to and avoid like the plague.  I have given in to the thought that the O&G industry is not for me and I will never find true happiness until this load of shit I call employment is behind me.

 

Allow me entertain you by making fun of one of my co-workers I have dubbed, BB, short for Bowling Ball.  (I’ll explain later). He is the biggest know-it-all I have ever met. The first day I met him the topic of my recent wedding came up and he asked what my husband did for a living. I explained Mark’s job and was commenting on how much he traveled when BB said, “You better be careful, I have a friend (yeah, right) that traveled a lot and he and his wife developed two separate lives and then realized their new lives couldn’t co-exist, so they divorced.” My hatred for this stupid man began at that moment.

 

I refer to him as BB because he has a receding hair line, has given up all hope on Propecia and shaved off all the remaining hair. His head look just like a bowling ball and I literally have to handcuff myself to my desk so I don’t run to him and stencil a big “8” on his head… or stab him in the jugular with my pen. I am almost convinced that he polishes his scalp on a daily basis since the glare that comes from it could power the state of Texas. So I try to avoid sitting across from him during meetings. He is always chewing a piece of gum and when the overhead lights bounces off his skull, the reflection can be blinding. He never has anything intelligent to say or any original thoughts of his own.  I just want to yell, “SHUT UP, YOU FUCKTARD! And buff that shine from your head! You are burning my retinas!”

 

Enough talk about BB, he annoys me and kills my buzz. Let’s move onto the idiots that live in my neighborhood. Hurricane Ike blew through Houston and really shut down the city for an unbelievable amount of time. More than 2 weeks after the storm, there are still over 100,000 people without power, traffic is horrendous and everything was closed. Mark and I were out of power for 11 days but it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t go to work for a week (WOO HOO!) and we had an air conditioner unit to keep us cool. There wasn’t much to do so we were always hanging out with our neighbors drinking. There is this one woman that loves to gossip about how the state of everyone else’s house or yard.  I try to avoid her but got cornered one day and was forced to walk down to her house and see her new decorating project. She took brown paper bags, spray painted them in red, yellow and green paint, torn them into strips and then plastered them to the walls in her game room. It looks like camouflage and beef stroganoff and the best part, she was so proud of it. I was pressing my lips together to avoid saying the inevitable when her seven year old niece scrunched up her nose and said, “Why would you glue paper bags to the wall? That looks icky!” It took all my energy to not high five her and yell, “Right on, sister! Let’s blow this joint and head to the bar”!

 

I traveled with Mark the week after the storm and accompanied him into grocery stores and Wal-Marts while he convinced them to invest in his plastic pallets. It amazes me how fast people fall for his speeches. I used to be just like them… thinking everything he said was written in gold. At least I got a diamond ring and a lifetime of bliss. All they get is a sad overpriced invoice. Poor suckers. By the way, I hate pallets. When Mark is not looking… I give them a good swift kick.

 

Anyway, I better get back to acting like I am working. I’ve missed you and will post again soon!

 

We Made It!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Hi guys! Sorry I havent written in a while… life has been boring and I didn’t have much to write about. I am going to do my best to post AT LEAST once a week from now on. I have recieved a couple of emails about our well being after Hurricane Ike blew through Houston and just wanted to report that we are safe! Mark bought a generator (we named her Jenny) last Thursday and she has been a life saver! We lost power about 3:30 Saturday morning and are still living off Jenny. We heard the power should be back on Thursday!

We did not have any damage and consider ourselves extremely lucky. The neighborood behind us did not escape unharmed, almost every house has a tree down and several have them through the roof. We havent heard of any injuries in our area and the biggest complant so far is loss of power. Saturday night was horrible. We had several fans running but the humidity and the heat made it impossible to sleep. Luckily we had a cold front blow through yesterday and it has really cooled things off. Last night, Mark and I camped out in the backyard and slept under the stars. It even got a little cold! A night in total darkness, except the light from a full moon and perfect weather will probably never happen again in Houston. It was one for my memory books!

I am “working” (snort) from home today and Mark is leaving me and Jenny at 2:00 to fly to Dallas for work. He won’t be home until Friday. 😦 But don’t worry about me… as long as I am not working I am perfectly happy… I just wish some stores were open so I can go shopping! I will post again soon so keep in touch!

P.S. I tried to take a picture of me and Mark camping in the back yard last night but failed miserably at taking a cute one when my hubby is 6 Jack and Coke’s deep.

Jana

Bumps in the Night

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I have always been a light sleeper, as Mark can confirm. Several times over the years I have woken up to strange noises in the house and frantically wake him to go and investigate. No matter what time of the night and no matter how tired he is, he always gets out of bed to scan the house so I will feel safe. Luckily, since he began traveling I haven’t heard any scary noises… until last night.

I had a long workout at the gym and was beat. I wanted to go to bed early and as soon as my cats and I were cozy in my bed, I was out before 9:00. I woke up around 10:30 and turned off the TV and promptly fell back asleep. It wasn’t until 12:36 in the morning that a loud crash woke me up. I lay in bed frozen in fear and tried to determine where in the house the noise came from. I remembered that I had hung some jeans to dry in the middle bathroom and the shower rod must have fallen under the weight. That must be it. It has happened before and the noise seemed to have come from that part of the house.

I got out of bed and looped around the house to get to the middle bathroom. I switched on the light only to see the shower curtain still hanging. I think the worst part of being scared is having an imagination like mine. It times of turmoil, like this one, it seems to make matters worse. I slowly go to each room and turn on all the lights in the house and can’t find anything out of the ordinary, I check that the alarm is set and turn off the lights one by one. I get to the kitchen and I realize I am too scared to look out the back door so I set up some booby traps. I used to do this when I was in college and lived by myself. I got three cans of food out of the pantry and set one a couple of inches from each of the entry doors in the house. I then balance silverware on top of each can in case someone should open the door, the spoons and forks will clatter against the tile and give me a warning to get the hell out of the house. I grab the cordless phone, gather all three cats and jump back into bed.

I called Mark and told him what happened and he is able to calm my nerves from halfway across the country. I can tell he is fighting to stay awake so we got off the phone and I try to remain calm. I decide to sleep with the phone in my hand and if anything should happen, I can quickly call 911, open bedroom window to sound the alarm and make a run for it.

It takes me about 2 more hours to go back to sleep and just around 3:00 I hear a loud crash coming from the kitchen. In my moment of panic I throw the phone across the room, run into the master bath and into the master closet (where there are no windows, i.e. no escape). I grab the spikiest stiletto that I can find to use as a weapon and try to figure out what to do. With my heart is racing, I hide in the back of the closet. I am able to stand up straight and use the garment bag that contains my wedding dress to hide my legs. I can see two of my oldest cats are in the closet with me but the third is nowhere to be found. She is only a kitten and I bet she is standing there at the foot of the intruder with her catnip filled lamb in her mouth rubbing her back up against his leg. Poor Pixie! She is just a baby!

I am starting to hyperventilate and try to position the garment bag for maximum coverage when I see I am standing next to my cowboy boots. Perfect! I slip my right foot into one just in case I need to kick the intruder in the balls. If that happened, I could write a letter to Lucchese and tell them that the cow that they killed, skinned and fashioned into footwear saved my life. They would then hire me as a spokes model and I could quit my job! BRILLIANT!

I don’t know how long I stayed in the closet, it could’ve been 10 minutes it could have been 30, I just don’t know. My knees were beginning to burn and I hadn’t heard any more noises. It was time to investigate. I leave the closet with stiletto in hand. It takes me 10 minutes to make it to the kitchen where I see Pixie sitting on the floor with her paws tucked under her body like a meatloaf. She made it! I flip on the light and discover the source of the crash. Scattered across the tile is the remains of the fishbowl I had sitting on the kitchen island. There are shards of glass, marbles and right in the middle of the mess, the lifeless body of my fish, Picasso.

It is all Pixie’s fault. The first time I caught her up on the counter drinking the water from the fishbowl I thought it was so cute that I took a picture… that has now turned into evidence.

I put on my other cowboy boot to clean up the mess and head back to bed. I call Mark to tell him what happened and he asks me if I want to get a gun. I tell him I don’t think it is necessary since my shoes will keep me safe and we say goodnight for the third time.

I still don’t know what the first sound was but we think since Mark was up in the attic the day before, a box of Christmas ornaments must have fell over. Who knows? At least I am safe. Nobody was in the house. I didn’t have to run down the street half naked again (long story) and the only damage was the life of a beta and my ego.

Have Mercy on Me

Monday, June 23, 2008

As most of you know, my unemployment (leisure time, mimosas in the morning, sleeping in) ends today. I start my new job tomorrow and I am extremely upset about it. I woke up at 10:00 this morning and stayed in bed for about an hour pondering where I went wrong in life. Mark walks in and I tell him that I think I am dying and that the end was near. He laughs and said he has been dying since 6 am this morning when he had to get up for a east cost conference call. Why does he always have to joke in my desperate time of need?

I have been reflecting on my past and have decided to come clean about several things that I have done wrong over the years in hopes that those affected will forgive me… and somehow find away to make tomorrow never happen. Here goes…

To my little sister, Julie:
I am sorry Jennifer and I sent you down the stairs in a cardboard box when you were three years old.

To my first grde teacher, Mrs. Powers:
I am sorry I erased my name off the board when you caught me showing my panties to the boys in my class (If it wasnt for you I never would have kicked that habit last year).

To my hunky hubby, Mark:
I am sorry you fell for my acting when I “found” our cat, Pixie, in the garage when I really found her in the adoption section at PetSmart. I am sorry that our mental honeymoon ends tomorrow morning at 8 am (but this is all your fault). I am also sorry for posting these embarrassing pictures of you below.

To my mini mom:
I am sorry I outgrew your clothes when I was five and broke the heel of your favorite shoe and blamed it on Jennifer.

To my older sister, Jennifer:
I am sorry about that spanking you got when I lied about Mom’s favorite shoe.

To my old stupid boss:
I am sorry you are so stupid.

To my loyal blog readers:
Please keep me in your thoughts today, tonight and tomorrow. Through my bloodshot eyes, I can see the end is near, the light is on at the end of the tunnel and that my glass is almost empty.

Sincerely,

Jana “Work Blows” Gordon

 

 

 

 

Jana Gordon x 2

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

A funny thing happened the other day. I received an email from a former co-worker of mine who had been trying to reach me but couldn’t remember my personal email address. He tried several different variations of my name, married and maiden, and sent a mass email out to all of them. The email asked how I was, what was I doing now and told me about some of the guys we used to work with (Steven, for one). None of them were my correct address but he did get a response from a different Jana Gordon.

Here is a portion of her email:

Oh! I’m so glad you emailed me! I’ve been thinking about you! Things are good-I’m glad I left there. Had to get away and do my own thing,ya know? I might be going back to school. I want to be an addiction specialist. I think I’ll be good at it, giving my past history, don’t you think? Hope things are going well for you. Tell Steven that I said hi. Ask him if he still has my panties.
Talk to you soon! Jana

Fortunately, my former co-worker was able to get a hold of my correct email address and sent me the email from my long lost sister. She seems to have the same sarcasm as I do so I had to email her back and introduce myself.  Ironically, she is a fellow Texan, about to get married so ‘Gordon’ is her maiden name. Our middle names are almost the same too; Ellen and Elizabeth.  We have been emailing back and forth ever since so I have sent her a link to my blog. It is funny that we connected because I almost (unknowingly) emailed her months ago when I found out the email address I wanted was taken and was trying to force her to give it up.  So, welcome to my mayhem, Jana Gordon, the original.  I apologize for almost registering your email address with dirty internet sites.

Mark is in Florida so I have been shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding this weekend. I was at the Galleria casually walking along when a jewelry store jumped out in front of me. I love jewelry.. well, anything that sparkles; diamonds… glitter… a bottle of Patron (I am like a squirrel, I am attracted to anything shiny).  I walk in and suddenly remembered that I needed a silver polishing cloth to clean some of my jewelry so I asked the girl behind the counter to ring me up. I hand over my credit card and headed for the exit when my phone rang. “Get out of Tiffany’s. Right now.”  It seems my so-called-husband/slave owner has set up email notifications on my credit card and every time I use it he will get an email on his phone.  I think I will sign up for a monthly internet dating service to get back at him… or worse… adopt another cat.

Since my shopping adventures have been extinguished, I have been hanging out with my neighbors every night. We go to local restaurants and bars to eat, drink and socialize. Last night, we stumbled into the conversation of who had a crazy ex-boyfriend/girlfriend when I realized that I didn’t know if Mark ever had one. I have met a couple of his exes since he still communicates with many of them, but I have never heard him say anything negative about any one he has ever dated.  So I sent him a text message:

Me- “Have you ever dated someone crazy?”

Mark – “Just one.”

Me – “What happened?”

Mark – “I married her.”

Gorilla Grunts

Friday. June 13, 2008

 

Why is it so hard for me to be nice?  Every morning I tell myself, “Today is going to be a nice day. I promise not to cuss, raise my middle finger or give the evil eye.”  I have yet to make it past noon. Take today for instance, I was on the way to pick up Mark from the airport when I decided I needed an iced tea. I pulled into Arby’s drive through and waited in line to place my order. It went as follows:

“Welcome to Arby’s. Would you like to add 10 pounds to your ass with our new cajun roast beef flavored curly fries?”

 “No, thank you. I would like a large sweet tea.”

 “Sweet or unsweet?”

 “Sweet.”

 “Sweet or unsweet?”

 “SWEET! Clean out your fucking ears!!!”

At that point I drove off because we all know that effing B was going to spit in my UNSWEET tea. 

 

I drive my sweet tea-less self to the airport to pick up Mark and we head to the gym.  Lately I have been trying to make a friend at the gym so I don’t have to work out by myself.  (I used to work out with Mark but he makes embarrassing noises when he lifts weights.  Yes, I have married a grunter.  It is so embarrassing.) Nobody seems that interested in me and I can’t find anyone who seems like they would be a good fit (my age, bitchy and reeking of alcohol) but I was able to find the secret to a good workout. Always consult a physician before exercising as this should NOT be attempted in real life… honestly, I don’t want to get sued.

 

1. Prior to heading to the gym, grab your iPod and log into iTunes.
2. Download the 9:09 minute version of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Free Bird.
3. Head to the gym.
4. Stretch.
5. Lift weights. 
6. Cardio time begins. This exercise can be done on an elliptical or treadmill so find one away from the other gym patrons because you are a serious workout queen and don’t need distractions from those who idol you. 
7.  Jump on your cardio machine of choice and warm up for 10 to 15 minutes. 
8. Start Freebird on your iPod and turn the volume all the way up.
9. Prepare to feel the burn.
10. When you get to the magic second of 4:39, pick up the pace. This is the part of the song when the guitar solo begins.           
11. “Lord help me, I can’t chan-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-ange.” 
12. Keep your steps in sync with the beat. 
13. Faster!
14. “Won’t you flllllllllll-yyyyyyyyyy, Freeeeee-birrrrrrrrd, Yeah.“
15. Faster!
16. The next thing you know your heart is pumping, your hands are sweating, your boobs are bouncing, your husband is looking at you like, “WTF”?  
17. You are burning 15 calories a minute, girl! Keep up the pace, you have 4 minutes left!
18. Minutes 6, 7 and 8 are going to hurt.
19. Bad.
20. At second 8:56, slow it down.  Bring your heart rate back to normal and wipe the sweat off your brow. 
21. Cool down for another 10 to 15 minutes. 
22. Step off the machine knowing you rock.

  

Mark is on the treadmill on the other side of the gym so I signal to him that my workout is finished and head down to the locker room. I grab my bag, wash my face and meet him in the lobby. 

“You must really like Lynyrd Skynyrd” he said.

“What?”

“You were singing it loud enough for Louisiana to hear.”

 

That must be why I can’t make friends at the gym.

They are jealous of my singing. 

 

NOTE: The title of this post, Gorilla Grunts, refers to the nickname that Mark was given in college.  I still don’t know how this became his nickname but everyone, even those who didn’t go to Florida State, refer to him as the “Gorilla”.  I would also like to point out that my nickname is Jana Banana and we all know that gorillas cannot survive without their beloved bananas and this is just further confirmation that we belong together… (and that I am the boss).  Love you, Baby!

To Nobody in Particular

June 3, 2008

My beloved husband is forcing me to clean out our closet.  I have taken over the 10% of space he has been allotted and now we have run out of room and hangers for his clothes. He, the Bastard, has even given me a deadline.

The last time I found myself in this predicament, I took bags and bags of clothes to Goodwill only to be cussed out later by the lovely Miss. Nobody in Particular.  So I dedicate this post to my Italian, New Orleans livin’ chum to provoke her to get her skinny little ass on a jet plane to Bayou City to partake in the tearful departure of my goods. Or at least keep them company until we buy a new house (with a bigger closet). I would also like to note that I will drink the gifts I smuggled for her while in Europe if she waits any longer… as in tomorrow.  Love you!

No really, you are a bunch of talk and no action. The City of Chaos beckons you and your Dirty Little Friend.

Honeymoon x 2

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sorry the delay in posting. I have been out-of-town soaking up the rays in the desert. We had planned to stay at home for the Memorial Day weekend. It is always fun in our neighborhood. We have the best neighbors and summer holidays always brings a ton of block parties. Last Friday, I was laying on the couch working at hard at doing nothing when Mark barges through the front door with a helmet on and said “Pack your bags.” I was surprised. Not at the fact that he was wearing a helmet but at the fact that I wasn’t shocked at all that he was wearing a helmet. When did this become normal in our relationship? A friend down the street is selling mopeds out of his garage and Mark was taking one for a spin. He looked hilarious. Anyway, he just found out he needed to fly to Phoenix for a Sunday morning meeting and was taking me along for the ride. Woo-hoo! We had one hour to pack and get to the airport before our flight left. We made it with seconds to spare.

The best part of the trip was that he booked us a room at the Arizona Biltmore Hotel and Spa. This hotel is amazing! It has eight pools, several restaurants and a view to die for. History lesson for the day: the lobby has the second largest gold leaf ceiling in the world (behind the Taj Majal). It was beautiful. The weather was perfect too. A cold front had just swept through the city and it was a cool 62 degrees. Right outside the lobby there were two fire pits blazing, illuminating the night sky and you could see the outline of the mountains at the horizon. After dropping our bags in our room, we headed down to one of the pools to jump in the hot tub. We met several couples that night that we would see through out the next few days and headed back to the room around 2 am.

The next morning we woke up early to drive to Sedona, Arizona. What a charming little town! All of the shops are painted the same reddish brown of the mountain sides they were perched on and had the best southwest jewelry stores. I bought several sterling silver pieces that I didnt need but had to have! It started to get crowded around noon so we decided to extend our trip farther north and drive the south rim of the Grand Canyon. We drove through Flagstaff were it was snowing! The Grand Canyon was beautiful but cold and around 3:00 we headed back to Phoenix. We met up with some couples we met the night before and went out for sushi.

The next couple of days we just hung out by the pool until it was time to return to Texas. Our second honeymoon has come to a close but I will be accompanying Mark to San Antonio next week for some extended time off.  Ah, the lazy, druken days of summer!

Today I went on a interview for a new job. I actually interviewed wth this company before but fortunately my brilliance still astonished them and they extend me another offer. I start June 24th. Four more weeks of being lazy before my sacred leisure time disappears!  Off to the pool I go!

The Inevitable

Monday, May 12, 2008

Damn. I have to go back to work today. I stayed up as late as I could last night/this morning in order to extend my weekend. Mark had to catch a plane to Dallas so he was up with me as I was getting ready (faking like I was sick). If I ever want to call in sick to work I always feel less guilty doing it when Mark falls for my sick act. Today it does not work and I take an extra long time getting ready to hold off the inevitable. I even shaved my legs which I normally only do at night. I cleaned out the fridge. Painted my nails blue. Let the cats play out in the back yard for an hour and even stopped to chat with my annoying neighbor who stares at my boobs every time I talk to him. Stare away old man, it benefits us both! The thought of going to work dressed like a pirate also crosses my mind. Oooo, no… a toga. It must be something offensive to increase my chances of being sent home.

Once I am in the parking garage, I decide to delay my arrival even longer by driving up to the top floor to have my car cleaned at the detail shop.  I leave my car with the attendant and hop onto the golf cart that will take me and two other customers to the lobby. I am sitting directly behind the driver and resist the urge to cover his eyes with my hands and end it all but was able to refrain myself. If he wrecked, it wouldn’t do much damage. The last time I fell off a golf cart all I broke was a toe which is NOT a good enough excuse to miss work since you have nine other replacements.  I sneak up to my office and close the door. My cool boss shows up around 8:30 so I have an hour and a half to act like I am working (update my blog, shop on-line, sleep) until she arrives. I sent her a text message to tell her I am hunkered in my office and to knock three times, squawk like a bird and slip a twenty under the door to be let in. When she arrives, I give her the gifts I bought her while in Europe and we begin important daily business discussions such as shopping, gossip and cats. She really is the best boss to have. She knows the best beauty products to buy to pamper and rid yourself from the stink of work. I can even be honest with her about how much I hate my job and she is honest with me about how much I can push the employment envelope before getting fired (which might be why she calls me her Problem Child).

It is only 3:00 in the afternoon and I have already received 137 emails. My out-of-office assistant is still on and I think I will leave it that way until someone (or ten) reminds me to change it. In an effort to leave early, I skipped lunch and spent the rest of the day planning my escape. I have the process of leaving the office unnoticed down to a science. There are several rules one must follow:

1. First, leave your purse at home. If people see you heading towards the door with a handbag, you have blown your cover.
2. Always wear clothes with pockets. Since you don’t have a purse, you will need space to hide things like the keys to your car, cell phone and airplane flasks.
3. If it is cold outside, brave the weather! Leaving with a coat on is a dead giveaway that you are heading home and a complete fool in my eyes if you are trying to sneak out early.
4. Leave the light and radio on in your office and papers all over your desk.
5. Leave 5 minutes before a half hour. For instance, if you head out the door at 1:55, it would appear that you are heading to a 2:00 meeting.

They key is to casually walk/run-like-a-banshee down the hall to the elevator. Find some paper to hold on your way out. I like to use meeting notes I never read or humorous emails from my other boss telling me to do something. If you do this properly, you will appear to be heading to a very important meeting (snort) on another floor (it also helps if you act like you are reading the paper).  When you are waiting at the elevator banks, always lean up against the wall to decrease the chance of being seen.

Lastly, always, always, always be on the lookout for loopholes. The best loophole at my current job is how I befriended the girl who works the exit gate in the parking garage. Every time she sees me coming she will wave and open the gate for me. This means that I don’t have to use my access badge to exit (hello! electronic paper trail) and it makes my departure even faster. Believe me, loopholes are out there, I have found one at every job I have ever had. All you need is some determination and total disgust for employment and YOU TOO CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS!